Published on January 10, 2026
If you came of age making mixtapes or burning CDs, chances are you’ve quietly wondered what’s going to happen when your parents pass away.
Not the big existential stuff — the practical stuff.
The house. The Hulu subscription. The pension. The debts. Who stands in line at the DMV to retitle the car? Where does the cat land? How do you even start sorting it all out?
We tend not to dwell on such questions, morbid as they are. But the reality is that there are about 26 million people aged 75 and over living in the US today. Millions of us in the middle-aged “sandwich generation” will be responsible for settling our loved one’s affairs in the next decade.
And since so many of us are going to end up handling this work, it’s worth understanding what the role of executor actually involves. A little clarity now can save some stress later.
The realities of the executor role
Settling an estate is a lot of work for the executor.
Studies consistently estimate that settling a loved one’s affairs takes 300-500 hours of work for the executor. That’s the equivalent of 7 to 12 full-time weeks at your job, spread out over an average of 18 months.
If you’re surprised by the scale of this responsibility, you’re not alone. In one study of executors, half reported that they took on the role despite having little to no guidance or knowledge of what it entailed, and slightly more than half reported that settling the estate was “one of the most difficult challenges of their life.”
The challenges tend to cluster into a few familiar themes.
First, there’s the sheer time burden: hundreds of hours of administrative dropped into a life that was already full. Then there’s the knowledge gap: many executors don’t know what questions to ask, where key information lives, or even what’s in the estate to begin with. Add to that the family and emotional turbulence that surfaces when people are grieving differently. High-stakes decisions, frayed tempers, everyone at their worst and griping. And running through all of it is the pressure and isolation: the sense that every decision matters, and that you’re somehow supposed to figure it all out alone.
What makes this even harder is the timing. These responsibilities land precisely when people are already emotionally and cognitively depleted. As my brother put it, “The whole system keeps kicking you when you’re down.”
And yes, in many families this invisible labor falls disproportionately to women — the same women already carrying the mental load in a dozen other areas of life.
The problems here are structural. Executors don’t get trained for the role. People don’t want to talk about it. It’s complex. It’s demanding. Every estate is different. Mistakes can be costly. And although executors in most states are entitled to compensation from the estate for their work, the pay is usually very low relative to the number of hours required.
What you can do to prepare
It’s a lot, no question. But there are steps you can take today, and options you’ll have when the time comes, that can make this role more manageable than it might seem right now.
What you can do now
- Find out where documents live. Ideally, you’d have a series of detailed conversations with your loved one. But if your loved one is allergic to talking about death, you might try something brief and casual: “hey mom, so-and-so’s uncle passed away, and they had to pay unnecessary legal fees because it took a while to find his will. Say… where’s your will?” If this question opens a door to more conversation, great! If not, you have one very important piece of information you didn’t have before. That’s a win.
- Learn who their professional contacts are. Again, if your loved one is not into direct conversations, you could subtly ask who their financial planner is, who files their taxes, and/or the name of the attorney who drew up their estate plans. Then, when the time comes, you at least know who to call.
…And when the time comes
- You may consider declining or resigning as executor. You are not required to serve as executor simply because you were named in the will or are next of kin. If you decide to officially decline or resign, the probate court will name a different executor/administrator. Two notes: (a) the process gets more complicated if you’ve already started the work, so try to make the decision early; and (b) If you resign, you don’t get to decide who takes your place or how assets are distributed. You’re giving up work, sure, but also control. And you may not have much recourse if you’re unhappy with how the court’s appointee does the job.
- Consider hiring an after-loss professional. Most people don’t know that there is an entire profession—a small but growing niche—of after-loss professionals. Much like a college admissions advisor helps to strategize and manage the college-application process or a personal trainer keeps you on track toward a fitness goal, an after-loss professional acts as compassionate researcher, project manager, and coach for executors/administrators. They fill the gaps left between attorneys, funeral directors, and financial advisors. You may even be able to pay for after-loss services with funds from the estate.
TL;DR
At some point, many of us will take on the responsibility of settling a loved one’s affairs. It’s a lot of work, but a little clarity now can make it less chaotic later. You don’t have to do it perfectly, and you don’t have to do it alone. You just have to know what’s ahead and what your options are.
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